For all of you who actually follow my blog (all two of you. Love you guys😜) you may notice I haven't posted much lately, so I think you're all due for a life update. So... What's gone on since I last wrote? Well I didn't die of a caffeine overdose (thank goodness. Can you imagine what the obituary would read? "She tragically passed away at the age of 17 because she is a dumbass who drank too much coffee. She will be missed) (for all those who don't know what I'm talking about, go check it out: https://perfectlybrokenandbeautifullyunique.blogspot.com/2018/06/my-epic-battle-against-tuberculosis.html?m=1) I finished Highschool for the summer! Only one more year to go! I woke my male best friend up at 3am to discuss the finer points of our escape plan should Weiner Dogs take over the world (He told me I'm not aloud to wake him up that early anymore unless I'm dying. I helpfully pointed out that we would all die if we didn't go over the plan and he told me to go to sleep. But, INSOMNIA, Seth. I can't sleep. Ever.) And I got forgotten by my Nana.
I know what you're thinking: how do you write something funny about getting forgotten by your Nana? And the answer to that is: you can't. So, warning now, if you came here looking a happy post, you're looking on the wrong place. Go back and read something else. Or, continue to read and if you get too depressed, go get yourself ice cream. As a matter of fact, go get yourself Ice cream anyway, because who doesn't love ice cream? Nobody, that's who.
My Nana is an absolutely amazing women who really inspired my life and helped me become who I am today. She was a perfectly broken teen in the 50's when she was just called crazy and moody. She has severe bipolar disorder that went undiagnosed until about 20 years ago. Yet despite all of that she was and is the best mother and grandmother anyone could ask for. She'd always call me Melted Chocolate when I was younger because she claimed that I'd melt into her lap when we were cuddling. My biological mother had me as an older teenager and struggled a lot with that. My biological mother and my father split up when I was about 2-years-old and my biological mother grew deeply depressed and got into a lot of drugs and became very neglectful and abusive. As a result, I was raised a lot by my Nana. She was the one who helped me get diagnosed with all of my various mental health problems and helped me learn how to cope with them in a healthy way and accept that they were a part of who I am, but they aren't me. She is the very embodiment of absolutely fucking awesome, Perfectly Broken, and my hero.
About three years ago, my Nana was diagnosed with alzheimer's. It started with small things at first like she couldn't remember the word for fork or her cousins names. It was small. And as the years went on it got worse and worse until she would call my biological mother by my great aunts name and such. But no matter how bad it got, she always remembered me. She knew I was Sara and when she saw my face she knew who I was. Then a few months ago I was visiting her and she called me Catherine. I gently reminded her that Catherine is her sister and I'm Sara. She remembered then who I was and called me Sara for the rest of the visit. A few weeks ago, she didn't remember my name. She said that she recognized me and that she knew I was important to her, but she couldn't remember my name. A few days ago I visited her and I hugged her and was talking to her about absolutely nothing important before noticing that she was looking at me strangely. I asked if she was alright and she kept looking at me strange. So I asked if she knew who I was, and she shook her head saying she was very sorry, but she couldn't place me. After a few more minutes of awkward conversation attempts I excused myself, went home, and cried. Like a two-year-old. For days.
It's hard to explain how it felt for all y'all's who've never been through it. It felt like she died in all honesty. And I miss her even though she's still here and alive and I can still see her. But it isn't really her. It's a shell of her or an imposter wearing her skin. Okay, that sounds super creepy and serial killer-ish. Like a mask made of the skin of their victims. But, really, why stop at masks? If we're going to wear peoples skin, let's make an ENTIRE FUCKING JUMPSUIT! We can add glitter to it and maybe some stripes and colour. Keeping it classy.
Back on topic. I miss her. I miss the childhood I spent in her arms which is now a half forgotten dream. I miss skinned knees and bee stings and ice cream cones and gardening and boy advice and first days of school and whispers of "I love you, my Melted Chocolate" and attempts at teaching me how to crochet which now only I remember. I miss her a lot. More than I could've ever imagined I would while she was still alive.
Like the fucked up icing on the very tragic cake, I am a high functioning depressive with severe anxiety disorder, severe clinical depression, a moderate self harm issue which stems from childhood trauma and an impulse control disorder, avoidant personality disorder, mild OCD, moderate post traumatic stress disorder, insomnia, arthritis, athazagoriaphobia, and imposter syndrome. While that's my full diagnosis the only word which you need to register from it is athazagoriaphobia. (Auto correct is trying to tell me athazagoriaphobia isn't a word. I assure you, Auto correct, it's a word and it's a real thing and it sucks.) For anyone who doesn't know, athazagoriaphobia is the fear of being forgotten. Not only have I lost Nana I've also been having severe panic attacks too. To say this past week hasn't been the most fun ever is just a little bit of an understatement. I'm taking a short break from being Furiously Happy right now just to be sad and to grieve. Because those are emotions I can feel thanks to my Nana and a shit load of medication and Nana wouldn't want me to shut those out. Besides, I'm lucky I'm sad because only things that you truly care about hurt to lose. How does that quote go? "How lucky I am to have something which makes saying goodbye so hard"
To wrap this up, the world lost one of it's best this week though she is still alive. She will be remembered and loved long after she is gone and everything within my power will be done to keep her comfortable and happy and to remind her how loved she is until she leaves us. I still miss her though. I hope you all enjoyed your ice cream, because I need ice cream now too. Enjoy an extra scoop for me!
No comments:
Post a Comment